• Goofy Second September Edition, September 2001
• Editor: don@arkvalwebworks.com
• Publisher: Arkansas Valley Web Works
• http://www.arkvalwebworks.com/ 

1. What’s Up?: Ship Ahoy Matey.

2. Web Page Help: Using Transparent GIFs.

3. Promotional/Advertising: The Bash Bill Bandwagon.

4. Web Issues and Stuff: Isn’t Life Wonderful?

5. Web Humor and Entertainment: Stump The Web Master.

6. Promotional/Advertising: Geronimo And All That Other Stuff.

7. Ark Announcements: Golden Web Award

8. Both Sides Of The Coin, (Words of Wit and Wisdom)

My gal was slouched on her back on the bed relaxing after a noon meal. She was sprawled out in such a way that she reminded me of an aircraft carrier. Her blouse was tied so that it looked like a grappling hook.

I couldn’t help it. I sat down beside her on the bed and made one of my hands resemble an airplane. I started making sounds like a fighter coming in for a landing.

I came in slow and let the wheels catch in her blouse, making a perfect landing without flaw. Then the teacher came out in me and I pretended to be a flight instructor.

"Now you notice class that I have to land just right," I tutored, "Too far right or left and you get wing snap in the booby trap." "Come in too fast," I said lightly flicking her nostrils, "and you lose face doing a nose dive."

"What happens if you come in too slow," she said chuckling.

"Well...," I pondered, "If you come in too slow then there’s a plane wreck on the poop deck."

When I said that she hit me hard. I don’t think I want to play aircraft carrier anymore.

"Aye, yi, yi, Captain," I said.

What good would it do to use a transparent GIF if no one sees it you say? I’m glad you asked that question.

Using transparent GIFs and setting table spacing is an efficient way to make web sites compatible with both MS Internet Explorer and Netscape Navigator. IE and Navigator treat tables slightly different and that can make huge differences in the way your site appears for your visitors depending on the browser they are using.

Placing an alt tag on that transparent GIF image gives it the added bonus of being another legitimate way to get search engine recognition without spamming the search bots. Clever you say, you bet ya it is!

Transparent GIFs are also an excellent alternative to the   html command. Do the following tutorial and then preview it in a browser and you’ll see what I mean.

I know it is kind of hazy now; but bare with me, (or is it bear). My spell checker says it is bear but in my case I’m probably more correct leaving it the way it originally was. I digress again, dang it. Whatever! Here were go.

1. Choose Table, Insert, Table, and the Insert Table dialog box appears. Set Rows to 3 and Columns to 1.

2. Set the Borders size, cell padding, and cell spacing all to zero (0). Check, specify width, in percent and enter 70 in the space provided. This will give us some space to work with across the web page.

3. Right click on the table and choose Table Properties. The Table Properties dialog box appears. Set Borders Color, Background Color, Light border, and Dark border colors all to white. Your newly created table appears in Editor view with a series of dotted lines around the table and the individual cells of the table.

4. Type in some words in cell number one and in cell number three, and then save it. Now preview it in a browser. Notice that the dotted lines disappear around the table; and that the text in cell one and cell three appear immediately below each other on the web page. That is because there is nothing in cell two to create space.

5. Open Image Composer and then confine your composition space to the size you want the spacer to be. Something around 10X15 pixels will work nicely for demonstration purposes. There should be nothing within the composition space.

6. Click File, Save for the Web. The Save for the Web Wizard dialog box appears. Choose All Sprites inside the composition area from the two choices. Click Next.

7. Choose Let the web page background show through from the two choices. Click Finish, give the transparent GIF image an appropriate name, and save it to your desktop.

8. Click cell two in the table and then choose Insert, Picture, From File. Then browse to your desktop and choose your saved transparent GIF.

9. Save your page and then view it again in a browser. Notice you’ve created some space between the two lines of text.

Experiment with the size of the transparent GIF to achieve the results you desire. Now, pat yourself on the back because you’ve done it you devil you.

Some of my online friends like to bash Bill Gates. He’s easy..., he’s rich. As for me though, I’m getting off that bandwagon. It’s too crowded up there for my tastes anyway. After all, isn’t the object of the game whoever dies with the most toys wins?

Hey what the heck, Microsoft makes some really splendid products; and we can be assured that they will be around tomorrow for support and upgrades. The new Office XP series is yet another example of Microsoft’s ingenuity. Check it out at http://shop.microsoft.com/officexp/?sourceid=00387598273916607929 to learn more. You can get it for less online and earn me a penny or two at the same time by clicking on the above link. Unashamed advertisement, hint, hint.

So let me have some of those billions Buster Billy, I’m off the Bash Bill Bandwagon for good. You won’t see me saying you ought to spend some of those billions on poor deprived web masters like myself. No, you won’t catch me babbling incoherently about how hard I work just to make alms for the poor. Pitiful me! You won’t hear me whimpering for some of that cash that you just can’t seem to spend fast enough.

If you’re out there reading this, and I know you are Bill, don’t make me beg because I will. Don’t tell me let me guess, that’s Mr. Gates to me, right?

So stop the bandwagon, I want to get off, no more bashing Bill for me. No siree Bob, or is that Bill. No..., then I guess SIR will do.

I love getting emails from visitors. Okay occasionally I get one that I don’t love; but the vast majority of them are a kick. Your genuine comments about how hard I’ve worked on my site are greatly appreciated. They encourage me to keep improving the things I’m doing.

Many guests have insightful ideas for improving and adding more content to the Arkansas Valley Web Works site. The Ark Link Letter is the result of several requests to expand my lunacy to an ezine format. Improvements in the Graphics Station, Web Page Help, and Taciturn Tales categories are also notable examples of ideas put forth by my brilliant visitors.

Sometimes guests write me in seeming desperation about a problem they are having. When I can, I help them. What is it they say about karma coming back? Maybe it is just the teacher in me re-emerging to rear its ugly head, and I do mean ugly; or maybe it’s just because I enjoy helping people who are genuinely interested.

So keep those comments and concerns rolling in folks. I attempt to be helpful when I can, say I don’t know when I really don’t know, and perhaps provide some humorous mayhem within the writing. I won’t share any information with anyone else unless you specifically request me to; and I try to answer each and every one of my emails.

In other words I’ll try to make your day when I return your email as much as you’ve made mine by sending me yours. Isn’t life wonderful?

"It’s Suzanne Somers," she said as she placed her entry in the Know Your Goofy Celebrities Trivia Contest.

"Nice try, but no...," I replied, "You’re welcome to enter again though."

I thought I was being a sly fox. So many of my female visitors were making correct guesses of the male celebrities that I decided to see how well they’d do with a female celebrity in all her warped splendor.

"I wonder what will happen," I pondered, "Will males be better suited to guess female celebrities?" Nothing scientific here you understand, I just thought if nothing else it would be interesting trivia on a trivial contest.

Boy was I ever wrong. I got another reply from the same contestant. She made another incorrect guess but she was getting warmer. I gave her a pretty bad clue for the next time, and thought it might help but didn’t want to give it away.

She guessed again, and got it wrong again. I was just about to reply when I saw there was another entry from her below the previous one in my email. I decided to read it first before I replied and sure enough, she guessed the Goofy Celebrity correctly that time.

Persistence was rewarded; but as for me, I’m more confused than ever. Let me see now, what well-known person can I warp this time so no one can guess.

I’ve got it, this new celebrity warp ought to really stump my visitors good. Hee, hee.

I don’t get the opportunity to travel much by air. Maybe it is for the best. The last time I flew, the airplane I was on reminded me of an old rickety bus. I half expected the pilot to announce over the intercom for the passengers to flap our arms as we were getting ready to take off. Not a pleasant thought since I was a paying customer.

Once in the air, things went smoothly until we hit a bit of turbulence. "Whoa boy," I exclaimed. I thought I was making a funny until I noticed other passengers around me putting their heads between their knees.

As we were readying for landing we were instructed to put on our seat belts. Normal procedure I thought until I noticed the stewardess on her knees praying that she hadn’t bucked the odds one too many times.

I was thinking how foolish I was going through a travel agent and paying full prices for plane tickets, hotel reservations, and a rental car. "I could have saved some money if I had purchased all of those services through the friendly folks at Travelocity.com. I should have clicked on http://www.travelocity.com/?Service=BF00386724583932161740 to make travel arrangements.

Readers can be assured that I won’t make the same mistake twice. Next time I’ll work with Travelocity and know I saved a bundle as I’m going down in a ball of flames.

Geronimo, bonzai, and all that stuff!

The Golden Web Awards is presented to those sites whose web design, originality and content have achieved levels of excellence deserving of recognition.

Arkansas Valley Web Works is honored to be a winner of the 2001 through 2002 Golden Web Award for design, content, and originality. I am extremely gratified that others are appreciative of the work I do to make this site what it is. Friends say I don’t express myself well when being either complimented or admonished; but none-the-less my gratitude is heartfelt. It’s hard to be humble when you’re already humbler.

Of course most of the credit for this honor goes to all my distinguished guests who have visited my site and helped make it all possible. Without so many of my visitors sharing my site’s URL with their friends and associates, and for all the reciprocal links of those same visitors, the traffic count would have been much lower and the award therefore much harder to achieve.

To all my guests, let me again express my sincere thanks for visiting. With your help today’s international award may eventually turn into universal acclaim. So be sure to tell all your alien friends about my site too.

Na-new, na-new!

"Never accept a drink from a urologist."