• Another Stupid Birthday Edition, August 2001
• Editor: don@arkvalwebworks.com 
• Publisher: Arkansas Valley Web Works
• http://www.arkvalwebworks.com/ 

1. What’s Up?: A Mean, Mean Woman!

2. Web Page Help: What’s In A Title?

3. Promotional/Advertising: Talkin’ ‘Bout My Affiliations.

4. Web Issues and Stuff: Stinking ISPs!

5. Web Humor and Entertainment: Book ‘Em Dan’l!

6. Ark Announcements: Spank My Web Site, Not Me!

7. Promotional/Advertising: Register Your Dreams.

8. Both Sides Of The Coin, (Words of Wit and Wisdom)

I know how to treat mean women. I just act naturally. I shrink in defeat and whine like the coward I truly am. It isn’t the best strategy and not in the least bit recommended. But then again, it works for me.

The Hunter men come from a long line of mean, mean women. They had to be mean women to get along with the mean men in the family. Some of those women take mean-ness to new levels though.

"Don’t they sweetheart," I questioned.

"What did you say," she said.

"Nothing," I said.

"That’s what I thought you said," she said.

See what I mean?

A guest asked me, "Why do you name web pages the way you do?" I’m glad you asked that question.

I give web pages their specific names because the tag is the first thing the search bots see on a page, and arguably the most important.

For example, if a web site were selling insurance, every page should have the word insurance in it, as in Insurance Services, or Insurance FAQs, or Insurance Disclaimer. The search bots recognize the word insurance as repeating over and over and figure, hum.., this must be an insurance site.

The same can be said for naming html files, graphics files, and for naming links. In the case of graphics files, simply assigning the word insurance somewhere within the file name adds relevance, as in (insurance_services.htm), (insurance_header.jpg) or (insurance_bullet.gif). Notice an underline ( _ ), is used between words to separate insurance from any other incidental words.

Giving titles to files, folders, and images in the way described gives the search bots more food for thought when answering queries.

"Yummy, yummy," they say, "it sure was good to see words related to insurance so many times on one web site."

Yes indeed folks, there is a whole lot in a title.

My Affiliations (sang to the tune of My Generation)

People try to put me down

Just because I su, su, surf around

I’d like to have an old age pension

Talkin’ ‘bout my affiliations

Well maybe they won’t pay for my debauched old age, but it couldn’t hurt. I approached several online associates about my new advertising rates and the response was great. They were impressed with my low rates compared to the amount of traffic my web site is receiving.

Advertising rates for this newsletter are a measly $10.00 for one month, $15.00 for two months, or $20.00 for three months for this promotion/advertising slot, and $7.00 for one month, $13.00 for two months, or $18.00 for three months on the bottom promotion/advertising slot. What a great deal that is for such a large meal.

Banner advertisement is $50.00 for one month, $85.00 for two months, and $120.00 for three months. Banners are placed on high, medium, and low traffic pages for maximum results. All banners are accompanied with a textual testimonial link immediately below it. That’s twice the advertising bang for the buck.

(Back to the tune).

Click that mouse on a ba, ba, banner down

When you leave my site to surf around

I need your help for my old age pension

Talkin’ ‘bout my affiliations

My affiliations baby!

Dropped connections from their internet service providers and shabbily put together web sites have left a bad taste in the mouths of many around the Arkansas Valley regarding the promises of the web. Those of us who provide quality services have come in the wake and are paying the price in some ways for those who made promises they couldn’t keep. I won’t mention names, it’s not my way; but I could if I wanted to by golly. Oh, what the heck this one time I will. Just kidding!

Okay, so slowly I’m gaining back customers who had previously given up on the Internet because of their bad experiences. By attempting to stay on the cutting edge I’ve been able to provide my exclusive customers with quality services, regardless of living in what the nabobs of negativity might call "the valley".

I too have had bad experiences with ISPs. I got used to doing my Internet work between the hours of one and five AM. Sometimes I couldn’t even do it then. I too was soured but I worked around it.

"Stinking ISPs," I would say in disgust.

By chance I happened to meet Scott Herman one day, who represents Rural-com. My current contract with another provider was going to expire so I decided what have I got to lose. I dropped in at ARTV and he let me give it a test run.

I purposely remembered a web address where there was an advanced streaming video tutorial on a complicated graphics program. It was to the point of ridiculous trying to view it with a slow connection. I know I tried it. I thought I’d give Rural-Communications’ wireless technology a good test run for their money.

Scott saw what I was doing and chuckled, "Oh yea..., that’s nothing. You like jazz music don’t you? Watch this."

He proceeded to open a new browser window while the tutorial was streaming and call up a radio station that he had book marked playing stereo jazz music from San Diego, California. Wala, relax with stereo jazz while studying tutorials that stream as they should.

That was a year and a half ago, and Scott informed me I was one of Rural-com’s first customers. Since then I’ve become accustomed to having the web work the way it should with only occasional glitches. And even when it glitched and it was their fault, they fixed it fast, usually the same day.

Still, other people weren’t so lucky. They had never seen the difference wireless technology makes, so they didn’t have anything to compare it with. They either gave up or limped along. Things like speeds of 256K and greater didn’t mean anything to them as they trudged along at 25K or slower. The DSL connections don’t seem much better.

Recently, Rural-com enlisted my web design and development services to spruce up their web site. Those not in the know might say, "in that case he’s got to say good things about them in his newsletter."

"Ah contrair monswair," I say. "I was their customer before they became mine."

Besides that, it seems I remember I did a previous article about Rural-com in another issue of the Ark Link Letter. (July 2000 Issue to be exact).

So they aren’t all stinking ISPs; but they were before Rural Communications at http://www.rural-com.com came along. And that’s the truth.

Big Government, small brains, dumb laws. What freedom will they think of to take away next? Book ‘em Dan’l!

Did you know that according to Colorado law it is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence? Let’s see, would that be me under the influence or the horse? In Pueblo, Colorado it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. I’ve got friends in Pueblo. I’ll have to tell them they might be breaking the law.

In Chico, California detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. Questions beg to be asked. If a nuclear device were detonated within city limits, who would be left to prosecute the case? How much is the fine for shooting the fool that originated the legislation, and the even bigger fools for actually enacting it in the first place?

In Los Angeles, California it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. "That does it," she angrily stated, "you’ve assaulted me with that 3 inch belt for the last time and I won’t take it anymore."

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. More than two thousand is against the law; but would nineteen hundred ninety nine is just fine?

In LeFors, Texas it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. Wow, I sure am glad I only took two before I sat down.

Texas law says when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. You first, no you first, no I must insist... you first.

In Nebraska it is Illegal to go whale fishing. Does that mean that if I were fishing in Nebraska and got a whale of an idea, I’d have to throw it back? In Omaha a man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest. For heaven’s sake man walk, don’t run!

In Prescott, Arizona no one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. Does that mean that they would be permitted to ride their horse down the stairs?

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal, not to mention that it’s a sticky situation at best. It is also considered an offense to shower naked. Be sure to wear a cap. In Key West, chickens are considered a 'protected species'. KFC beware!

In Quitman, Georgia it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. Now how can we ever expect them to get to the other side?

If you haven’t had enough yet, go to http://www.dumblaws.com. Just don’t tell anyone you heard about it here. It might be illegal.

Arkansas Valley Web Works is celebrating its birthday the whole month of August. My site is officially three years old. It's such a cute bouncing baby web site. So spank my web site, not me!

Maybe I should bake a cup cake for the occasion. I’ll put three candles on it, one for each year.

Personally, I’ve given up on birthdays for myself. The last time I baked a cake for myself I nearly set the house on fire when I lit all the candles.

The last time I was spanked on my birthday I passed out during the long ordeal and didn’t wake up until I was being pinched to grow an inch. They didn’t tell me I would be growing out not up.

So please join me in celebrating my web site’s birthday. But if you gotta spank something, spank my web site not me.

Have you had great ideas for domain names, but haven’t felt like investing the $75.00 every two years for registering it? Is your current registration period about to expire? If you answered yes to either one of those questions, I’ve got good news for you.

How about paying only $13.95 a year for domain name registration? That will get your attention. They are very professional and prompt as well.

Enough already, so what is the name of this company that is offering such great prices? Tune in next month and I’ll tell you.

Would I do that to the special readers of my newsletters? Of course I would not! The name of the domain name registration is..., drum roll please, 000domains. Check them out at http://000domains.com/cgi-bin/reg_system.cgi?affiliate_id=melonhead.

That’s right I get a commission and you save money, what a deal for both of us.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former."